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It might just be me, but you know you are a parent when…

1.  Your empathy for other people’s tiredness is calculated on how many children they have.

 “Oh little Theo was up last night…? That’s sounds like torture…we had the same too with Johnny, Daisy, Benny, Maisie, Charlie, Lucy and Evie…in the first hour…”

2.  Getting an hour to walk around a supermarket at night time with your partner (when you don’t need groceries) can be a great date night. 

“Get yourself ready darling, I’ll see you in the washing powder aisle in five…”

3.  You would rather use your hands as a makeshift bowl for your kids’ vomit in a store, rather than suffer the embarrassment of telling a shopping assistant that your kid has expunged the contents of his stomach and it needs clearing up. This happened.

“Excuse me, do you have a carrier bag? What? Fig-ing* 5p??? I’ll leave it.”

4.  Every single night you look forward to 7.30pm (family dependent). 

“…he was the kindest giant in town.  Now, blueberry** go to bed.”

5.  Watching one episode of a boxset on a weekday is considered a late night in. 

“Breaking Bad? But it’s 9.30pm…”

6.  You feel like a total boss doctor filling up the Calpol syringe. Every time.  

“Child with a temperature? Stand aside, doctor coming through.”

7.  When the precise width of your kids’ feet for shoe fitting becomes life threateningly important. 

“Excuse me, can I take these in a 4GGG? How much?? Okay, can I pay in kidneys? I have two.”

8.  When your breathing is held ransom by the child that is sleeping on your chest. 

“Must not breathe, must not breathe, must not breathe, ninja baby…will…definitely…hear…it.”

9.  When you wish you could dress in the same clothes as your kids. 

“Sorry sir, we don’t have the Superman T-Shirt with detachable hood in adult size”

10.  When you watch parts of every single cartoon known to man but never the whole thing. 

“Son, where did Simba’s dad go?”

* Sticking with substituting swear words with food per previous blogs.  Food game strong. 

 ** Is “bloody” a swear word? Discuss. 


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I am a father of three young children (boy, girl, girl - in case you were wondering). It took a while to get to this stage, spanning around five years of trying for children and suffering the heartache of miscarriages before having our son in 2012 via IUI and subsequently "naturally" conceiving our two daughters in 2014 and 2016. It's been quite a trip. From my experience so far, the path of fatherhood has had its mix from silky smooth to belligerently bumpy. Some days, I feel like a parenting titan, successfully conquering all child generated challenges with ease and deflecting all awkward child queries effortlessly. Other days, it feels like I am a tired and superfluous man-thing who, at times, struggles to repress an inner Hulk-like rage and urge to sell the children to my in-laws. Irrespective of how smooth or bumpy the parenthood path is on any given day, the one thing that is always a constant is that I know I am ridiculously lucky. Having kids is a privilege and an absolute blessing. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that these little alien creatures are just exploring and testing out the boundaries of the world and it's not anything personal. Even if, at times, they drive you to the point of questioning whether being waterboarded with Calpol would be more preferable than having to endure the kids' incessant nagging. I understand it might be.​ So, about that vasectomy...

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