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Let’s talk about sex…

1
As a parent to two teenagers amongst our six children we have stumbled upon ”the talk” with them.

You would think it would be one conversation for them both but with an elder boy and girl I found myself approaching it differently to each.

It’s not the same world from which I grew up in and drew my experiences from, where you know about your mums and dads dodgy Emanuele tape hidden away, or you find some older boys dirty magazines in the bomb shelter where you used to mess about in and would all gather round in disgust and awe at them, each one

theFMLYman.com
2
of us going yes I know what they’re doing, none of us having a clue, There certainly wasn’t the sexual content available on tv, in advertising pretty much everywhere that there seems to be now.

No computers, no phones, kiss chase (did anyone else just give up and get caught?) , arranged meet ups behind the village hall and phone booths . I think my talk came from the elder football players of the men’s team I played for at 15, who took great joy in teasing me over sexual exploits(or lack of) and their general advice of what I should do in

theFMLYman.com
3
particular situations.

So the basics are the same for both. Yet approach and reactions are completely different.

I did some basic internet searching on ways to approach and which aspects to cover but to be fair I just wanted to give them an honest reflection, try to keep them safe and be truthful in my answers.

It’s great being self employed as I can take them to work with me which is an excellent way to get that one on one conversational time, my daughter just said eugh dad but was open to the conversation listening to all I said , With my son

theFMLYman.com
4
I asked if we needed to have the talk? I know it already, we learnt it all in school. He replied whilst puffing his chest out but I put my point across and hopefully we skipped the how to and pregnancy as he assured me he knew all that so I tried to talk about Respect, protection, protection, protection. Waiting until it’s right for you don’t be pressured, don’t believe you have to live up to anything, talk it through, it’s ok to be nervous but always consent and have consent. That it’s about pleasure not just selfish giving and receiving. Alcohol
theFMLYman.com
5
and it’s effects on yours and other people’s ability to make decisions. No matter what their friends are saying 95% of it isn’t true and it shouldn’t pressure them one way or another. It’s about having that pride in yourself and your status whatever that may be or whatever sexual orientation. That no matter how embarrassing they may think it is its not, try to confide in someone whether it’s us as parents, a sibling, a friend or a family member.

During the conversation there was a bit of stereotypical behaviour towards gender creep in, my

theFMLYman.com
6
daughter for example the protective genes kicked in and I must admit I thought I may feel embarrassed or that she would, but we had a clear concise conversation where she listened. I found myself talking more with her about her safety and the right to say no whenever she liked at any time. Not to be afraid to say no. To not fall into the pressure trap of I’ll just go with it because I can’t say no. To not do as others do or say they are doing.

Its funny those weren’t worries for me about my son I found that it was the opposite, drumming in that no

theFMLYman.com
7
means no, it has to be consensual not just at the beginning but all the way through. About using protection himself regardless of what he’s been told.

Why should that be the case his safety is my upmost priority at all times, so why are we drawn into the gender divide when it comes to sex. Predator, victim male, female not really as black and white as that is it.

It was a little awkward but I know they have the values and beliefs to act responsibly to respect their own bodies and virtues as well as their partners, but to also realise it’s about

theFMLYman.com
8
fun, pleasure a connection.

Despite our parental instincts of ”not under our roof ” and seeing that they are passing through to adulthood no matter how hard that is for us to perceive and accept, we’ve always believed it’s better for us and them to infact have their privacy and if it is under our roof it’s better and safer than hiding away in who knows where.

We all fumble in the beginning, it’s daunting it’s comical at times. it can be embarrassing but it’s natural part of growing up a right of passage into adulthood to be taken when you

theFMLYman.com
9
are ready. Whether it’s a quick get it over with or with someone you care about I just hope it’s something they can remember for whatever reason. ( but not until they are at least 30 ha ha)

Sorry that’s the protective parent coming out, that and I don’t want to be a grandad for a long time.

theFMLYman.com
Shaun Hurr

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- 25th Jan 19

As a parent to two teenagers amongst our six children we have stumbled upon “the talk” with them.

You would think it would be one conversation for them both but with an elder boy and girl I found myself approaching it differently to each.

It’s not the same world from which I grew up in and drew my experiences from, where you know about your mums and dads dodgy Emanuele tape hidden away, or you find some older boys dirty magazines in the bomb shelter where you used to mess about in and would all gather round in disgust and awe at them, each one of us going yes I know what they’re doing, none of us having a clue, There certainly wasn’t the sexual content available on tv, in advertising pretty much everywhere that there seems to be now.

No computers, no phones, kiss chase (did anyone else just give up and get caught?) , arranged meet ups behind the village hall and phone booths . I think my talk came from the elder football players of the men’s team I played for at 15, who took great joy in teasing me over sexual exploits(or lack of) and their general advice of what I should do in particular situations.

So the basics are the same for both. Yet approach and reactions are completely different.

I did some basic internet searching on ways to approach and which aspects to cover but to be fair I just wanted to give them an honest reflection, try to keep them safe and be truthful in my answers.

It’s great being self employed as I can take them to work with me which is an excellent way to get that one on one conversational time, my daughter just said eugh dad but was open to the conversation listening to all I said , With my son I asked if we needed to have the talk? I know it already, we learnt it all in school. He replied whilst puffing his chest out but I put my point across and hopefully we skipped the how to and pregnancy as he assured me he knew all that so I tried to talk about Respect, protection, protection, protection. Waiting until it’s right for you don’t be pressured, don’t believe you have to live up to anything, talk it through, it’s ok to be nervous but always consent and have consent. That it’s about pleasure not just selfish giving and receiving. Alcohol and it’s effects on yours and other people’s ability to make decisions. No matter what their friends are saying 95% of it isn’t true and it shouldn’t pressure them one way or another. It’s about having that pride in yourself and your status whatever that may be or whatever sexual orientation. That no matter how embarrassing they may think it is its not, try to confide in someone whether it’s us as parents, a sibling, a friend or a family member.

During the conversation there was a bit of stereotypical behaviour towards gender creep in, my daughter for example the protective genes kicked in and I must admit I thought I may feel embarrassed or that she would, but we had a clear concise conversation where she listened. I found myself talking more with her about her safety and the right to say no whenever she liked at any time. Not to be afraid to say no. To not fall into the pressure trap of I’ll just go with it because I can’t say no. To not do as others do or say they are doing.

Its funny those weren’t worries for me about my son I found that it was the opposite, drumming in that no means no, it has to be consensual not just at the beginning but all the way through. About using protection himself regardless of what he’s been told.

Why should that be the case his safety is my upmost priority at all times, so why are we drawn into the gender divide when it comes to sex. Predator, victim male, female not really as black and white as that is it.

It was a little awkward but I know they have the values and beliefs to act responsibly to respect their own bodies and virtues as well as their partners, but to also realise it’s about fun, pleasure a connection.

Despite our parental instincts of “not under our roof ” and seeing that they are passing through to adulthood no matter how hard that is for us to perceive and accept, we’ve always believed it’s better for us and them to infact have their privacy and if it is under our roof it’s better and safer than hiding away in who knows where.

We all fumble in the beginning, it’s daunting it’s comical at times. it can be embarrassing but it’s natural part of growing up a right of passage into adulthood to be taken when you are ready. Whether it’s a quick get it over with or with someone you care about I just hope it’s something they can remember for whatever reason. ( but not until they are at least 30 ha ha)

Sorry that’s the protective parent coming out, that and I don’t want to be a grandad for a long time.

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Shaun Hurr

Dad to 6, Husband to 1, runner for sanity!

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