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Broken

- 7th Jul 18

Shaun Hurr

So this is probably the hardest post I have written, I’m currently listening to my favourite album, older by George Micheal, it brings so many positive memories despite being quite a sad record. It reflects where I’ve been the last few weeks.
As you are aware I recently went cold turkey on all medication for pain relief and depression and whilst this was happening had the fantastic news that we were expecting with pregnancy no 10 baby no 7, we went and had an early scan because of our history and the traumatic last birth and it’s such a miracle to see the life and one I will never take for granted, the little heartbeat working away the picture of black and white mass that I don’t know what I’m looking at but you just say yes when they say it’s a leg even though you cannot make anything out. I was completely in awe and love with this mini human my heart felt like it had doubled, Unfortunately for us Mrs H started haemorrhaging a few weeks later and all was not well and we lost this little piece of us that we had created.
Now we have 6 children and are exceptionally blessed in that fact but it does not mean it is any easier to cope with this loss in fact I would say this has been the hardest of all.
I have to say after trying to stay strong it broke me, it really is no good to suck in all the sadness and keep pretending, I was getting anxiety attack’s chest pains I thought I was having a heart attack my chest would close up and be so painful I couldn’t breathe, then the waves of sadness would hit and the tears would flow. The frustration the anger, I felt alone I didn’t want to burden Mrs H as she was in shock and had her own grief consuming her. So I went back to stereotypical manhood, puff out you chest protect your partner, inhale it all, give the automated reply “yes I’m fine thanks” it was after one of these and whilst I was at work at the top of a ladder. That I started thinking would it really be that bad if I just let go, drifted to the earth, then the thought hit me that I had all these tablets at home I wasn’t taking and that I could just take them job done.
What is so disappointing in my mind is my closest people didn’t ask “how are you mate/son/Shaun ” simple enough you would think especially with all the posts, the runs I’ve organised, the awareness I/we are all trying to raise about mental health. It made me feel like why am I sharing all of these inner demons and doubts when it’s missing the mark, it’s not just about me sharing it can’t be this is bigger than the individual. It is about friends and family having the awareness and courage the ability and shamelessness to challenge and address it with me.
I did however have the sense to tell Mrs H what I was thinking, how I was feeling but in reality between the time I had finished work , to tell the truth by the time I had descended the ladder the thought of doing that to my family to the little ones the hardships and grief it would cause, weighed so heavy on me I’d already kicked myself up the backside and it was deleted to my trash box, but then came the guilt at having had those thoughts in the first place the understanding that you shouldn’t be thinking/feeling in that way, The thought of not seeing my children grow up and the impact of them not having a dad, of not fulfilling my promise to my beautiful wife of the rest of our life together. It was all I needed to drag me back from the cold sad abyss.
It actually went on a few days and took a breakdown a few days later for me to truly realise all I had, that in fact actually all this sadness and self loathing and pity was not doing anyone any good. I can’t say it was a magic switch but truly it felt like one I really can’t explain it I feel on top of this illness now I feel in charge, I feel strong, I actually have control over the doubt, the lack of esteem the voice that always won on my head.
Maybe that moment was rock bottom and I needed to reach it, maybe it was a chemical imbalance from going cold turkey and my body’s way of clearing the toxins once and for all. I don’t know but I am grateful for it and I will never take this wonderful life that I am lucky enough to live ever again.
I’m trying to keep it simple to keep the enjoyment full and the stress low, I’m really loving my running again and have found some herbal treatments that seem to be easing the pain, but also I’m dealing with it with a more positive attitude, I’m trying to be a yes dad rather than a no dad and husband, I heard on Chris Evans breakfast show that people who with depression have a permanent no in their head they will listen and act as though considering but the no is always there so I’m trying to train my thoughts differently.
I really had had enough of insta/blogging social media and deleted my Mrallabouthurr account in haste, I found the pressure of posting was getting to me but also that I was hiding away in it, I realise now though that the support on there is phenomenal and I am glad to be back. My life isn’t all jigsaw perfect where pieces all fit together I’m building a patchwork quilt with perfect imperfections filled with love laughter and happiness but with the realisation that it takes the heartache and struggle to realise these.
I’m really full of excitement at my future change of career and can’t wait to get started on my degree. I have downloaded a new app and am trying to get my core right to help my back, alongside the running and losing my extra weight thereby tackling my self esteem issues.
Please please please don’t get trapped into a situation where you feel there’s no exits, there will always be someone there to talk to, guide you to listen. There is so much good work being done at the moment let’s keep it going and really push this forward to where we have an understanding open community over mental health and all its issues. There are amazing charity’s from Mind to the Samaritans if nothing else pick up the phone and talk.
To the friends and family of all. If someone close is not themselves, just ask the simple question “are you ok” push them on it until you are satisfied it is. Take them out for a cuppa support them, one thing I know is we are very good at hiding and pretence so even if you think you’re not getting through, don’t give up.
Also just one last thing on miscarriage this country whether through the Nhs or another venue need to offer more support, any support especially for dads there is nothing not even a mention of are you ok Mr Hurr why the taboo are we not meant to feel the tragic loss, through four now I’ve not even had the slightest incling there was any help available so let’s treat it as the loss it is and give people the tools to help each other and themselves.
If nothing else my message box is always open there will always be a hot, ok Luke warm to cold cup of tea available and an open ear for listening.
Positivity breeds positivity………

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Shaun Hurr

Dad to 6, Husband to 1, runner for sanity!

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