Over the past few weeks I’ve been looking in at myself and I’ve realised that I’ve still got anxieties of missing out on seeing Reuben’s firsts and key developments because of work. I get amazing time with him after work, on my day off and at weekends, so really I don’t need to worry but deep down that anxiety is still there.
It has dragged my mood down and I’ve not really realised it.The truth is I have no real reason to worry. Yes I might miss the actually first moment Reuben does something but that doesn’t mean I won’t see it for the first time. He’s not bothered if I’ve not seen it the first time he’s done it. I think I’m so worried other people are going to see him develop before I do. That just sounds ridiculously silly when I write it down.
It’s just how my mind is working sadly but I’ve got to find ways to deal with this anxiety because I hate that it is dragging my mood down. I think a lot of it is a mix of two things. Missing out on seeing Poppy grow and develop and my own relationship with my Dad. I’m not going to miss out on anything because I’m the typical Modern Dad if you want to label it.
I think the fact that I’m never going to see Poppy grow and develop hits me harder than I realise and let on. I don’t want to take anything away from seeing Reuben developing because it is a true joy to witness. Right now he’s getting better and better at sitting up by himself. It just fills me with childlike joy and wonder. I just hate I can’t see Poppy do all these things. I feel guilty that if I miss Reuben’s in someway that I’m doing some kind of disservice to Poppy. By feeling I’m missing his I’m missing hers all over again. In reality by having this play out in the dark corners of my mind I’m making precious moments take on some kind of greater importance. I need to just enjoy and cherish seeing Reuben grow, learn and develop. Not worry about being the second or third person to see this. Over his life the first first moments I actually see will far out weigh the ones I miss.
Another major impact on this anxiety is I think my own relationship or lack of with my own Dad. My Mum and Dad too suffered through baby loss before me. My Dad didn’t really open up about it and it led him to becoming an alcoholic. He was in my life but he was absent really, always locked away working and drinking. I’m scared I’ll be like that in a way. I don’t want to miss out on all the things my Dad missed out on with me.
I’ve never been good at opening up and sharing. Even though I write my blog now I still struggle to convey this out loud when speaking to people. I’ve always found it easier to write out how I’m feeling. I know I need to get better at opening up especially to Emily. Now we do talk but at times for fear of seeming like less of a good husband, father and friend I’ve just pushed my anxieties away. That doesn’t help, I need to find just 5 minutes to share with her how I’m feeling.
Working through it all I know that I’ll never miss out of Reuben’s development because I’m his Dad and we already have a wonderful bond. I adore seeing his bond with Emily, his grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. It’s a joy to see and I’m so grateful he has all this amazing people in his life.
All I want is to be the best Dad and husband that I can be. Having anxieties over certain things makes me feel a bit less of what I want to be but that in itself is a problem. It’s ok to have self doubt, anxieties and fears. It’s what makes us human and how we learn to deal with them helps shape our future self.
I’ve not navigated this anxiety well because I’ve lock to away but it’s out there now, I’m admitting it out in the world. I will deal with it, I will overcome it. I simply be happy with life because it is amazing. Yes it is sad and heartbreaking that Poppy isn’t here but she has sent her little brother. I’m married to my best friend, the most amazing beautiful woman in the universe. I choose to be positive, happy and fun. By putting on a positive attitude and talking you can push through anything.